I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
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[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Mouse
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.