I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
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Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Green is just blue that someone peed in
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
“Shall we proofread this before posting?”
“Fuck it.”
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.