I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
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I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand