I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
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MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
I accidentally convinced people at work that I know what I’m doing and now I’m fighting for my life
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Animal poetry
