Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned

*holds a grudge*

Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!

I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.

GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT

If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.

“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”

Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.

boat question

A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own

Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG

I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!

Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting

Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.

I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once

Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure

Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes

Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes

Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.

My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.

You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel

I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.

Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.

Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?

What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?

me: *quarantines self*

*runs out of wine*

me: *unquarantines self*

I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.

I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.

Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.

Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me

These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.

centipede: *trips*

*but for like, an hour*

*Bar fight*

Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.

Me: Ok.

*friend tackles guy at waist*

*me, singing falsetto*

Me: Let’s get a library card.

Her: It’s too expensive.

M: They’re FREE, dummy.

[1 year later]

*receives bill for $190 in late fees*