I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
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horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Sorry. Not sorry
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.