I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
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My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
idk why doctors only give stickers to kids?
like hello i was also brave today
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.