Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t trust people with less than five french fries under their driver’s seat.

When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.

Problem solved.

One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl

Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me

Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”

Happy weekend !

“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”

*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers

My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.

Me: That’ll bring you good luck!

8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.

The Wizard of Oz is basically a
movie about two women willing kill each other over a pair of shoes.

Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together

My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M

the three best gummy flavors, together at last

Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……

Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…

Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals

My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.

Vishnu bud you’re gonna want to sit down for this

At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.

I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”

All I want for Christmas is for Santa to drop Mulder and Scully off in NJ to sort things out.

alfred: you have emphysema

batman: how?

alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations

batman: oh

alfred:

batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*

alfred: sir

I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.

In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be

O Wise One….

the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes

My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.

“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids

*Creates Animals*

God: They’re magnificent.

Angel: Some of ur best work.

Man: Which ones go on pizza?