Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.

Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.

Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?

Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots

Him: Great! How’s it going?

Me: *very deep breath* so so

Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.

I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..

H- you’d better get to a doctor

Me: It hasn’t even been a full day

H: what? It’s been two days

Me: how do you figure?

H: today and yesterday

Me:

If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.

Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker

Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.

mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green

Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.

“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.

[pizza delivery]

Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*

uh HELL YEAH!

*pulls out phone*

see that RT button?

Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads

~ dishwashers, perves

I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.

You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store

girl broke up with me for talking like a old timey gangster. driving way too fast bc I’m so upset. Wouldn’t be surprised if the brass buttons turned the cherries on and pulled me over

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.

Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]

How do some animals just abandon their young like that??

After kids:
[Watching nature documentary]

[Takes notes]

I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”

If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.

This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.

“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me

Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!

*E=mcHammer

*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched

Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?

Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle

Friend: Don’t you mean angel?

M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180