I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
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[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
*opens fortune cookie*
“REDACTED”
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Good boy 😂😂
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
not feeling fergalicious today, actually feeling pretty fergasgusting rn
Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
like last october and the one before that gotta go to human resources for talking in dracula
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?