I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
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he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Was dancing with a lad last night, and his mates dragged him away for the last train home… he said “my names Maff I’m from Kettering, find me”… imagine if life were that easy 😅
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Hang in there buddy
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”