I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
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Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Don’t tell me what to do
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.