I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
You Might Also Like
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.