Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.

There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group

I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?

[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team

People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical

Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”

Priest: “It’s because of the moon”

Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”

Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”

Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”

*45 minutes later*

Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”

They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”

I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.

[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.

[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*

me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:

Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time

Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.

Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.

me: what’s your sign

chef: spisces

If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.

“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.

[Biker gang initiation]

Hey fellas, do I use baseball or hockey cards in my spokes

*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!

I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.

There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.

Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.

There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.

Crowdstrike : its fine u just have to manually visit the PC boot it into safe mode and remove a sys file

US Organization with 50,000 pcs and a completely outsourced IT department in Bangalore : what

When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.

Me: I choose Truth!

Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?

Me: …I choose Dare!

WHAT SIGN IS SHE

Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?

Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.

*dusts off treadmill*

Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.