Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I google how to fix something on my car, I don’t want a fucking ‘AI summary’ I want a 57-year-old guy who still looks painfully uncomfortable on camera after making 3,000 auto repair videos

Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?

M: No, they’re never about people I know.

*writes another tweet about him*

*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!

So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on

11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now

Do not steal food from the science building!

*gets Ouija board*

Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?

Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say

friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU

me: OH NO!

WIFE: That won’t work

ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?

why is everyone yelling about nude ears

Two
Three
Four
Tell the people what she wore…

My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.

“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago

When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.

Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.

you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates

The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.

A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.

Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.

employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad

50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.

Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.

My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw

It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.

(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?

Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days

An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.

Yes, mother, I have gained weight.

No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.

have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.

January has been Januweary