I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
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FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
me irl
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?