I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
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All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks