@chuuew

I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.

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@_Tempo11

If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.

@ThatManBobScott

But people, if you have a gift card that is all used up, do not drop it in a urinal please—it’s a Big letdown to fish it out all for nothing

@torrami

When hubs is sleeping I put my Care Bear blanket on him and take the most adorable blackmail photos ever.

@MelKassel

LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’

@maisondecris

[writers’ room for Silent Night]

MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?

JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild

MIKE:…….jesus christ jim

@3sunzzz

*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*

@s_rumer18

at Dick’s, it is a habit of mine to ask customers if they want their items in a bag after they check out.
today, a woman came up to the register with 2 kayaks to buy.
after ringing them up, i looked her dead in the eye and said “would you like these in a bag?”

@just1fool

My only real regret in life is not pretending to be a shark in a heavily populated swimming area. But there’s still time.