If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
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I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
But people, if you have a gift card that is all used up, do not drop it in a urinal please—it’s a Big letdown to fish it out all for nothing
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
When hubs is sleeping I put my Care Bear blanket on him and take the most adorable blackmail photos ever.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
at Dick’s, it is a habit of mine to ask customers if they want their items in a bag after they check out.
today, a woman came up to the register with 2 kayaks to buy.
after ringing them up, i looked her dead in the eye and said “would you like these in a bag?”
My only real regret in life is not pretending to be a shark in a heavily populated swimming area. But there’s still time.