I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
You Might Also Like
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos