I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
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Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
What the hell is going on?
Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes
This is enough internet for the day.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup