I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
You Might Also Like
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
is he marrying that labradoodle
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
this will hang in the louvre one day
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.