I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
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date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!
I have a black belt in leather
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
The Struggle
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith