I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
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When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first