I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
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Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.