I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
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Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
don’t we all
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker