I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
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How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
X-tra spooky blend
Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
