I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
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Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Actor: How would you rate my ability to take direction?
Director: Below average.
Actor: *bellows* AVERAGE!!!
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory