I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
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[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
yo who decided that the standard lullabies for children are about people dying of bubonic plague or baby cradles falling out of trees
When you’re riding with someone and they tell you about all the wrecks they’ve been in…
britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
My favorite Christmas movies are A Christmas Story, A Charlie Brown Christmas and The Exorcist
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Tuesday
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”