I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
You Might Also Like
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.