I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.
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She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
i will avenge u mr van gogh
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet