I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
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Corn Dogs: Uninserted
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
can I use a minion as a tampon
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.