I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
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Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
You’re so cultured I’mma start calling you Yogurt.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
