I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
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Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.
Rastafarian guy in the sauna this morning was telling me I should be making my own honey. “Anyone can buy a bee”, he said. I nodded, taking it to heart. There was a 10 second pause, after which a Polish bodybuilder in the corner interjected: “you need more bee”
They’re on their honeymoon
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Venn
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip