I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
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*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Teamwork makes the dream work.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.