I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
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Luigi Mangione sounds like a made up Italian name, but then again, my name is Michael Primavera.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
We’re all getting idioter.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
it’s finally my moment to shine
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?