Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park

[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing

*guard enters*

FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*

Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this

Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.

me: I’m doing marathon training

friend: that can really help you in the long run

me: I know what it’s for

asking santa clause for nudes

DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?

My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.

In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s

“You take pills because you’re crazy”

“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”

Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?

Friend: we can do a mock interview

Me: ok

Friend: why should we hire you

Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu

Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.

For those of you wondering how many Reese’s cups you can eat without having a Reese’s cup hangover the next day, the answer is less than 18

Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*

[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears*

*quarter falls out*

ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!

ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?

ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no

He’s so proud of his work! 🤣

I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way

me: dating is hard

me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid

Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.

*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*

ME: hell yeah

13: hell yeah, the classics

*clicks the radio OFF*

ME: you’re grounded

Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.

I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.

[on a date]

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”

[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok

I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.

I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami

I like to think I’m smart

Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground

Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow

If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.