“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
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If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought
If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
When you’re riding with someone and they tell you about all the wrecks they’ve been in…
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Seas the day!!!!
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime