I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
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Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby
photo in her wallet.Because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve
seen Amal.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
If you factor in the complimentary drinks, I only lost 3000 dollars at blackjack.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Snapes on a plane.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
husband: you need to stop buying so much cheese for our guests
me: yes…for our guests
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.