I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
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The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
I laughed at this way too hard.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape