I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
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Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
My 3y/o is the only girl at her small daycare. I was thrilled when she started talking about her new friend Piper and how much they loved to play. Every day for months: Piper this, Piper that.
Finally I asked the daycare lady about maybe scheduling a playdate.
Piper is a cat.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats