I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
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“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
It’s like this photographer has never seen a woman bring a rotisserie chicken to her Boudoir session before.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Milk Cube
No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore