I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
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[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
get her what she really wants this holiday season (a large quantity of potatoes prepared several different ways)
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest
be careful
I need everyone to stop having the flu and bringing the flu to the ER and then infecting the non flu patients with the flu so they come back to the ER for the flu, etc etc
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
yesterday at the post office, guy in front of me:
“i’m interested in sending a letter.”
po clerk: “OK do you have the letter?”
guy: “no I do not”.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.