I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
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Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
🤣😂
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!
Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that