Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine

Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that

Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around

I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised

When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first

[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup

Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!

Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.

Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said

When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.

Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?

Me: *never blinks again*

Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.

The judge, however called it compelling evidence

*eye roll*

Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.

Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.

*wins lottery*

Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves

Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—

Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!

sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.

5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-

Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.

5:

Me:

5: How much blood?

me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination

me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume

Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there

When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.

Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?

I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

[Sits on chair backwards]

Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.

9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.

Well played, sir.

Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?

Clerk: That’s an egg.

i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue

Life of an Editor:

I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”

It was “sheepishly,” folks.

You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets

The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?