I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
You Might Also Like
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Happens to everyone.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Good morning.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!