I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
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I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button
My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.
“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”
– Me yesterday
I regret everything….
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome