I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
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Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now