I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
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Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.