Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?

Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus

Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem

I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!

I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.

I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.

The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.

Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know

Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost

[during sex]

Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.

Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.

(At the dentist)

‘Your grinding isn’t good.’

Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.

I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.

*planning family vacation*

Me: So what about camping?

Them: We love camping!

Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.

Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.

The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace

Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok

The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.

The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.

Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.

Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*

I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.

GROOT: I am Groot.

TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?

GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.

TEACHER: Yes, you may.

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.

Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.

You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien

It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story

Him: Did you poop in the shower?

Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?

H: Well who else could it be?

M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?

H: Oh that makes more sense.

I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.

Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.

trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business

CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother

FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always

CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing

FAIRY GODMOTHER:

CINDERELLA:

FAIRY GODMOTHER:

CINDERELLA:

FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin

if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia