Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.

Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.

Him: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Usually.

Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.

What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.

I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?

There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.

i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.

A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is

never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children

The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.

Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit

I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.

[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”

i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile

I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born

[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badly

ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex

Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do

Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one

I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO

[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy

[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy

[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.

Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture

Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?

It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.

Me: I’ll see you in court!

Waldo: will you

Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake

Me: aww you must really love cake

Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess

The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.

I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job