I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
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Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
My wife is talking about the seriousness of hazardous waste and I’m eating ham (that I hid in a tricky corner of a fitted sheet while pretending to fold it) and wow it’s crazy, right?!
*slowly chews the ham*
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though