I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
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No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
just woke up in a cold sweat screaming “WHY DIDN’T HAWK TUAH GIRL CALL IT SPITCOIN”
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
i am at my thanksgiving table observing personality disorders that have not been identified yet
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
