I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
You Might Also Like
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.