I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
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As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Scully: that fish sandwich from lunch isnt sitting right.
Mulder: (tosses a file down on the desk) Ever hear of the Tummy Ache Ghost?
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say “as your legal counsel” and then state my point. It hasn’t worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I’ll crack the code.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.