I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
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13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”
As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…
Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Years ago, my mate had his car broken into. Luckily they didn’t steal it and also didn’t take any of his CD’s. He has appalling taste in music and we told everyone they left him some CD’s out of pity..
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Not religious but been going through a hard time so lit a candle in a church today for the first time to seek help. 30 mins later a pigeon shat on my head
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips