Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wanna hear a joke?

Sleep.

I know, I don’t get it either.

Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased

I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation

video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber

“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”

Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.

Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.

[In emergency room]

mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?

dr. frankenstein: 75,000.

Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.

I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.

ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?

USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes

just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond

Officer: Did u know your back light is out

Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage

I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.

Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?

i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video

if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s

I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.

My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies

After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.

At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.

It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.

Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.

Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”

Two days have passed, no reply.

this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child

a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler

Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?

Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.

{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?

Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.