Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.

Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”

Me:
“Total disappointments.”

Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”

It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.

“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.

[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?

[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts

I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future

Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.

*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*

Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work

Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked

Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!

why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce

Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.

Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today

Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.

I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.

Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither

My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.

When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment

ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else

MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works

Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall

You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post

I have also decided to not buy Twitter.

This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”

Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.

Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan

She wasn’t like other girls.

She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.

And prom was in one week…

Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”

If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.

I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….

… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.

My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.

20 minutes: I have plenty of time

15 minutes: OH SHIT

I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.

Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.