I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
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Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*