I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
