I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
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To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard