I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
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Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
I don’t work from home because there are too many distractions. My house has a TV and a PlayStation and it’s impossible to concentrate on these if I have to work.
the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning:
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.
I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.