i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
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I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.
Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
You have two wolves inside you.
Should have ordered an appetizer.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
i will avenge u mr van gogh
