@BlindChow

i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke

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@jdforshort

College guy: How do you like it?

Me: Salty…of course

*slaps down $20

CG: We’ll take two pretzels with salt

~Get outta the gutter pervs

@stephenjmolloy

Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?

Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.

Me: Yes it is.

@MacDickson18

Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.

@fro_vo

[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken

@skickwriter

5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?

@sammyrhodes

Sometimes I feel like Valentine’s Day was invented by a guy who had way too many chocolate covered strawberries.

@KayaJones

Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst

@cxcope

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

Not a single soul on this Earth:

Not even their mom:

iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”

@twowitwowoo

I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.