College guy: How do you like it?
Me: Salty…of course
*slaps down $20
CG: We’ll take two pretzels with salt
~Get outta the gutter pervs
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Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Sometimes I feel like Valentine’s Day was invented by a guy who had way too many chocolate covered strawberries.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.