“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
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Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations