i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
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me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
HELP 😭
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.