Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”

-Inventor of the jersey

I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)

I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.

He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down

At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.

Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.

*leads a conga line off of a bridge

I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.

Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*

This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021

A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.

Interviewer: Take a minute to th-

Me: Arendelle.

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.

If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.

I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.

Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house

hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.

Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵

Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.

This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much

I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.

I’m just a girl

Hiding under a bed

Hoping his wife leaves soon

Again

[Batman picking a catchphrase]

Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander

Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity

Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime

Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”

Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing

someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.

Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.

Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself.”

I have a lot of experience.

“Great, can you elaborate?”

They’re bad experiences.

*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*

i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops