Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular

Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.

“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.

Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]

I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.

When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.

Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.

Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?

Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.

salesman: you’ll like this car

me: how many dogs fit in it

salesman: how many what

me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before

I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.

Me: I know what you’re thinking. Everyone thinks it’s suspicious that my husbands died of natural causes so early in life
Him: One fell while hiking, one tumbled out of his office window and the other drove his car into the ocean.
Me: Gravity is natural.

This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”

*God creating the rhino*

God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.

Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out

By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.

Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.

Son: You act like the dog is better than me.

Me: Sit

*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*

Me: I rest my case

A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.

3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.

Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob

A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem

I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.

A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London

GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here

A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune

Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.

I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.

If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:

iDied.

There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.

“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.

Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.