Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?

Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.

FD: Well then-

FS: Don’t.

FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.

Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster

please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind

My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!

My gf 2nd month: listen

I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.

My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.

Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.

Story of my life…..

Still cracks me up

I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then

“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”

~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.

If you know, you know 😂🚔

sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw

Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end

Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel

Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok

Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.

termite twitter scares me

Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?

Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.

You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.

1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours

2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money

If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.

That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”

[God creating bees]

GOD: make some of them fuzzy

ANGEL: thats good

G: make them sting

A: okay

G: and let’s give them teeth!

A: too far

son: she literally knows nothing

me: not literally, figuratively. If it were literally she wouldn’t be able to function

son: you are literally the most annoying dad in the world

me: now you’re getting the hang of it

Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”

Barista: …

Barista: …

Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”

Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”

the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet

I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”

[at the pearly gates]

I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.