Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?

To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.

He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.

ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing

HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard

ME: hannahannahannahannaha

[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*

I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.

SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.

Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.

Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.

We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.

When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.

Jogging has never helped my memory.

It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.

if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water

Me: Who drank all my beer?

Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.

Me: So is that a confession?

GUY: I think I’m done eating

ME: did you need a to-go box?

DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that

Gross, who put proof in this pudding?

Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention

Wife: no it’s your birthday

[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.

Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN

Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?

If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear

Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato

EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.

[Riding carousel]

Her: um, we should move on

Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.