I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
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Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Judging by the hair on my black shirts , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
My blood type is coffee.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco