I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
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my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
a public service announcement
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
I’m going to start the new year with some spring cleaning. It won’t take long because I don’t own many springs.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
I just love that new Pope smell.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China