I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
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If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12