I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
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My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
are americans worse off?
in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night