I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
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Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
This meeting could have been a pajama party.
you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.