I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
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[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?
Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.
Interviewer: How soon can you start?
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Ok so he just makes this face whenever he meets a president I guess
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership