I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
You Might Also Like
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it.”
-why my donut shop failed
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
🔥🔥
